Sam lit a spliff and took a long drag while looking out the window at the rundown part of Parramatta where his office was located. He was near the railway line but definitively the wrong side of the tracks. There was a knock on the door. He turned around and in walked Isabel.
“Oh, Sam! Are you smoking those things again? They stink! And we have a customer.”
Sam sprawled in his office chair.
“It’s Sydney Green, Iz.”
“It’s Sydney Shit, Sam.”
“Is this a paying customer, Izzy darling?” said Sam.
“She looks prosperous,” said Izzy.
Sam put out the spliff and put it in a drawer. He and Isabel opened the windows and waved their arms around. Sam turned on the fan full bore. Izzy sprayed some air freshener.
“Bring her in, Izzy dearest!”
Isabel went out then led in a beautiful, well-dressed woman.
“Sam, this is Colleen O’Malley. Miss O’Malley this is Sam Smith, our best investigator.”
Colleen O’Malley wrinkled her nose at the smell of lavender-scented cannabis, strong enough to blur her senses almost immediately. Sam sat up straight. She was beautiful with glossy black hair and a few freckles across her nose and cheeks. He pointed to the chair across the desk from him and she sat down.
“Nice to meet you, dear. How can I help?” Sam asked.
Miss O’Malley had been crying and was holding a handkerchief.
“Oh, Mr Smith. I hope you can help me. I’ve been robbed!”
“What’s missing?”
“It’s a beautiful green diamond – a family heirloom.”
“You’ve spoken to the police?”
“Yes, but beyond recording the theft so I can claim against insurance, they’re not very interested. It’s not of great value and I don’t have insurance.”
“You’re a septic – er – yank – er – American? What are you doing here?”
“Oh, the usual.” She smiled. “I fell for a man. I followed him to Sydney. Then he walked out with my money. I was a fool.”
Sam started taking notes.
“Describe this diamond. Is it distinctive? How would I recognise it if I found it?”
“Oh, it’s a flawless, emerald green diamond a little smaller than my fist.”
“A fist-sized flawless diamond?” Sam was amazed. “How can that not be worth a fortune?”
“It’s not a real, natural diamond. A few years ago my parents died in an automobile accident back in the States. I decided to have their ashes made into a diamond so they would be united forever.”
She sniffed and wiped her nose. A tear dripped down her cheek.
“It was a terrible time for us. Our family is Irish-American and I was able to have the diamond made in emerald green, my mother’s favourite colour. This cost a few thousand dollars but to me and my family, you understand, it’s of tremendous sentimental value and I really want it back.”
“Do you have any idea who stole it, Miss O’Malley?” asked Sam.
“Oh, yes. I know who stole it, and this is the problem. The police don’t believe me and won’t help me.”
“Who was it?”
“It was the giant who lives in the clouds.”
“Ah!” said Sam. “I’ve heard of him but I’m not sure how I can help?”
“Well, I own a large cow that is quite valuable. I’m told that if I sell it I can buy back the diamond with the money,” said Miss O’Malley.
“Huh! So this giant – he’s extorting money from you!”
“That’s right.”
“What do you want me to do? And why me?”
“It’s a difficult and dangerous trip to the saleyards and to pay off the giant. I’m just a weak woman and I’m afraid I would be cheated or robbed. I asked around and you were highly recommended. I need a strong man like you to do this for me.”
“Okay. But if your boyfriend took all your money, what do I get out of it?” asked Sam.
“Ten percent of whatever you can get for the cow. It will be worth thousands.”
Sam didn’t much like it but a job is a job and so he said:
“Alright, Miss O’Malley. Where do I get the cow and where are the saleyards?”
***
A few hours later Sam walked into the saleyards leading a very fine specimen of cow. It attracted some looks. A man came up to him.
“Whaddya want, mate?” he asked.
“I wanna sell this cow. Who’s buying?” asked Sam.
“We’re all cattle traders here, mate. How much do you want for her?”
“I was thinking around $5,000. She’s a prime dairy cow and a breeder.”
“That seems fair. Have you been here before?”
The trader sensed an easy mark.
“No, but nobody rips me off. If I don’t like the deal I walk away – with the cow.”
“Don’t worry. We pay in gold here,” said the man.
“Gold?” said Sam, his eyebrows raised.
“Yes, gold.”
“That seems pretty fair.”
“Come into my office,” invited the cattle trader.M
They went into the office. The trader pulled out three copies of an official-looking contract for the sale of a cow and handed it to Sam.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Sam Smith.”
“Okay, Mr Smith. Fill in your name and address and put $5,000 in the box marked Sale Price. Fill out all three copies, one for you, one for me and one for the federal government.”
“Huh! Canberra’s gotta get its cut!”
“Sure does but that’s for me to handle. As for you and your taxes, that’s for you to figure out.”
Sam did as he asked and filled out the three forms.
The trader then opened a safe next to the desk. He pulled out a steel cash box and opened the lid. Inside were dozens of brilliant, shining, golden objects. They looked like gold eggs.
“Each of these is solid gold and worth $500. I’ll pay you ten for the cow, if that’s acceptable to you,” said the trader.
Sam couldn’t believe the fortune that sat in front of him.
“Can I hold one?”
“No problem!”
The trader picked up one of the gold eggs and handed it to him.
“Wow!” said Sam. “This looks like the real thing and it’s heavy like the real thing as well.”
“It IS the real thing, I assure you. Are you happy with that?”
Sam nodded.
“Okay, then sign all three copies of the contract.”
Sam signed. The trader took them back and signed as well. Then he gave one copy to Sam.
Carefully the trader counted out ten of the golden eggs.
“Do you wanna bag for that?”
“No. I was expecting to carry cash. I gotta bag with me.”
Sam pulled out a canvas bag from his jacket pocket and the trader put the gold inside.
“Well then, Mr Smith. It’s nice doin’ business with you.” They shook hands.
The trader walked Sam back to the saleyard gate and waved goodbye.
“You be careful with that!” called the trader as he walked away.
***
Later that day, Sam arrived safely back at Colleen O’Malley’s house carrying the gold.
“Oh, Sam!” she greeted him. “You sold the cow?”
“Yeah, no problems!” replied Sam.
“And you got the $5,000?”
“Bloody oath!”
“I don’t understand.”
“Yes, yes, I got the money.”
“In cash?”
“Better than that,” said Sam triumphantly. “They paid me in gold!”
“Gold?” Colleen sounded wary. “What do you mean gold?”
Sam poured the golden eggs out onto Colleen’s kitchen table.
“Bonzer! Look at that!”
“Oh my God!” screamed Colleen. “What are these?”
“They’re solid gold!” said Sam. “Must be worth more than $5,000.”
“Oh, you gullible idiot!”
Colleen picked one up, looked at it carefully, then pulled out a hammer from her kitchen drawer. She hit one of the eggs hard again and again. Finally, it broke in half. Sam looked thunderstruck. Inside the hard metal shell was something brown and crushed to powder under the hammering. Colleen picked up some of the powder and sniffed it.
“Oh, Sam, oh, Sam. You’ve been had!”
Sam picked some up and sniffed it as well. His legs went to jelly underneath him and he collapsed into a chair.
Colleen finally yelled:
“It’s a bean! Sam it’s a dried bean! You sold my cow for ten, gold-plated dried beans! They’re worthless! How could you?”
“Uh… uh… they felt hard and heavy. I… I… thought they were genuine.”
“Oh, Sam! I bet the first one he gave you WAS gold, but not the ten you brought back!”
Colleen gathered them up and threw them out of the window into a flower bed.
“I’ll – I’ll – go back!” stammered Sam. “I’ll strangle that bastard!”
“Did you get his name?” asked Colleen.
“Er – it’ll be on the contract!”
Sam pulled the contract out of his pocket and they both looked at it. The signature was illegible. The name printed was DONALD MALLARD.
“Oh, Sam. You sold my cow for ten beans to Donald Duck!”
Sam collapsed into the chair again then leapt up.
“I’ll go back! I’ll find that bloke and beat him till he pays the money or gives me the cow!”
“There’s no point!” cried Colleen. “By the time you get back there the cow will have been put on a truck for a farm somewhere and that man will be long gone.”
“I’ll call the police.”
“No!” called out Colleen, rather too suddenly. “No. You don’t have a name, you don’t have his photograph. Everybody at the saleyard will deny ever seeing you. The cops’ll just laugh at you!”
“What can I do?” asked Sam.
“Just go home, Sam. I’ll work out what to do for myself.”
***
Sam turned up back at his office just as Izzy was leaving.
“Well! G’day, stranger! How did it go? Can we pay the rent?”
“No!” He collapsed dejectedly into a chair. “I screwed up.”
“Oh, Sam!”
“I lost the cow and the money. Now Miss O’Malley’s out $5,000 and I’m out a day’s pay.” He put his head in his hands. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Wow! Sam, she must have been fit to cut your throat!” declared Izzy.
“She was very good about it, really.”
Isabel stood very still then turned to look at Sam with her hands on her hips. Slowly, he looked up at her.
“Too good about it?” she said with suspicion.
“Too good. Damn! Izzy! It’s a scam, isn’t it!”
“It’s a hell of a damn scam Sam!” she cried out. “It’s not that bitch that’s been had. Somehow… it’s you! What did you do with those beans? She got you running about Sydney for nothing.”
“But why? Maybe those beans are something special? They didn’t look special.” He yawned. “I’m buggered! It’ll be dark soon. I’ve gotta sleep. I’ll go see her first thing in the morning."
***
The phone rang in Sam’s home. And rang, and rang. Finally, Sam came out of the bedroom dressed in his underwear. He picked up the handset.
“Yeah?” and he yawned. It was Izzy.
“Where are you?” she asked.
“I’m at home. You’re ringing me here. Where are you?”
“I’m at the office. It’s 8:45, Sam. You should have been up and out to that O’Malley place by now.”
Sam yawned loudly.
“Sam, have you been drinking?”
“Maybe a little. What time is it?”
“I just told you. It’s 8:45. In the morning! And, boy, the whatsit has hit the spinning thing.”
“Whaddya mean?”
“Get down to Colleen O’Malley’s house right now. She’s already rung here three times.”
***
Sam Smith could not afford a taxi so some time later, after walking, a bus ride and more walking, he finally arrived at Colleen O’Malley’s place. There was a crowd of people gathered in the street and it was obvious what was causing the uproar.
Even from a couple of streets away he could see that an enormous vine or tree or something was stretching from the ground up to the clouds.
When he arrived he found Colleen standing in her garden.
“Oh, Sam! I’m so glad to see you. I’ve been ringing you. I’m frantic! Look what’s happened!”
“What the hell is going on?” asked Sam.
“During the night those beans you brought back started growing and growing. They haven’t stopped. They must be magic beans, worth far more than I thought. I was woken up by some grinding noise and when I looked out I could see, even in the dark, that those golden beans had sprouted and you can see that they’ve grown up to the clouds.”
Sam craned his neck looking up towards the top of the plant that disappeared into the sky.
“What do you want me to do?” asked Sam.
“Oh, Sam. You need to climb the plant and get back my diamond.” implored Colleen.
“Me?!”
“Yes, you, Sam! You’re the type of brave man this job needs.”
“That’s what you said yesterday and I got burnt.”
“Please, Sam. That diamond has real personal value for me and my family. It’s such a precious memorial of my parents. It has no real money value but I would like it back,” said Colleen.
“Okay,” said Sam resignedly.
Sam took off his jacket and gave it to Colleen, flexed his arms, then walked up to the plant. The main trunk was thick and solid looking with a rough spiral outer bark. He looked up and then grabbed at the stem and started climbing.
After a few minutes he rested on a branch and looked down. He was instantly dizzy. He was already high enough up to be hurt badly if he fell.
He continued climbing and slowly eased himself up until he reached the lowest level of cloud and disappeared from the sight of those below.
A few metres into the cloud he emerged into an amazing sight. He knew about the giant living in the clouds but had no idea it was like this! There was a large platform above the clouds filled with booty! It was like Aladdin’s cave. It was full of the stuff stolen by the giant from all over Australia. Sam stepped carefully from the plant onto the platform. It was quite solid and easily took his weight.
He started looking around for the diamond that Colleen had asked him to find but there was so much else to distract him. There were piles of cash. He stuffed some hundred dollar notes into his pockets. He found gold coins and grabbed some of those as well. There was far more than he could carry.
With his pockets bulging, Sam looked around for something he could carry things in and eventually found a sack. Inside, to his amazement, was the diamond!
He pulled it out of the sack and examined it closely. It was indeed a large, emerald green diamond, sparkling and flawless. It had been cut into a multifaceted rectangle about sixty or seventy millimetres long and twenty millimetres wide. It was the most beautiful gem he’d ever seen.
“It must be made of glass!” he speculated.
“No, not glass, young man.” The distinctively upper class English voice came from behind him. He whirled around to discover a very fat man pointing a gun at him.
“Jasper Bennett, at your service. And to whom do I have the honour of speaking?”
“My name’s Smith. Sam Smith.”
“I’ve been watching you,” said Bennett. “You appear to be looking for that gem you have in your hands. Who sent you? What do you know about it?”
“Why should I tell you anything?” said Sam.
“I could have just shot you and have done with you. At least I want to hear your story. There are many parties looking for that object. Who do you represent?”
“I was hired by an American lady called Colleen O’Malley.”
Bennett looked relieved.
“Oh, of course you were. Of course, she told you nothing.”
“She said it was a family heirloom of no real value.”
“Hah!” snarled Bennett. “It is one of the largest and most perfect diamonds ever discovered. It came from the Argyle Diamond Mine in Western Australia. The rough diamond was mined about twenty-five years ago. It was cut in India producing that large diamond you are holding and a dozen or so smaller gems.
“Whilst on its way to Antwerp for sale it disappeared despite the security around it. People like Miss O’Malley and me have been chasing rumours of it around the world ever since.
“That diamond is worth a king’s ransom. More money than you could ever spend, Mr Smith.”
Sam stared at the diamond. Now it was making sense why the woman wanted it. It was no heirloom.
“How did it end up here?”
“My guess? I think that Miss O’Malley and her boyfriend tracked it down to the leader of a criminal gang in Hong Kong. They killed him and stole it. I think then Miss O’Malley’s boyfriend left her taking the diamond. She followed him here. I think he intended to sell it to the giant but the giant didn’t want to pay for it. So her boyfriend ended up dead. Or possibly, when she found the boyfriend no longer had it, she killed him.”
Suddenly, there was the sound of heavy footfalls behind him and Sam turned quickly again. There was a fierce giant coming towards him, at least twice his height, and very angry.
“What are you two doing here?” his voice boomed out. “Nobody is allowed into my storage room!”
Sam Smith jumped away from the giant and back towards the plant. Jasper Bennett took a step backwards, terrified. He raised his gun and shot the giant twice.
The giant looked down at his belly. The bullets just bounced off his leather jerkin. He bellowed a terrible laugh and ran towards Bennett. The terrified fat man turned and tried to run but he was far too slow.
The giant grabbed Bennett with both hands, raised him above his head and threw him off the platform, over the side into the cloud.
Down below, Colleen O’Malley waited impatiently for Sam Smith to return. She was worried about what was happening up above. There was no sound, no movement, nothing to indicate what was going on. One or two of the braver men had started to climb the big plant. She was even thinking about climbing it herself.
Suddenly there was a gasp from the crowd. She looked up and saw the body of a man falling from the clouds. Was that Sam? She couldn’t tell until with a horrifying thud the body landed a few metres away from her. To her complete amazement, it was the Fat Man. How did HE get up there?
Bennett was still alive. He turned his head towards her and recognition crossed his face.
“Colleen…” he gasped, and then died right in front of her.
Where was Sam? She looked up again and she could see him climbing down from the clouds. He had a sack tied to his belt and he was coming down as fast as he could. A couple of other men, who had started to climb, thought better of it when they saw Bennett crash to the ground and Sam coming down above them. As he got closer he yelled at her.
“Get an axe!” he yelled. “Get an axe! Now! Right now!”
For a moment she was rooted to the spot. Then, quickly gathering her thoughts, she ran to the garden shed and pulled out the axe she knew was kept there.
When Sam reached the ground, without any explanation he grabbed the axe and started chopping down the plant. The whole thing started to shake. There was a deep, angry growling coming from the clouds. Then she saw the giant climbing down the plant as well.
“Oh, Sam! Watch out! He’s coming!”
“I’m chopping as fast as I can!” yelled Sam.
Sweating profusely and swinging the axe as fast as he could, Sam chopped relentlessly through the thick stem until, with a loud crack, it suddenly gave way.
“Stand back everyone!” shouted Sam, as loudly as he could.
The giant was still many hundreds of feet up when the plant gave way. The crowd of people ran wildly in different directions away from the falling plant and giant. With a bloodcurdling scream the giant fell to the ground a few feet away from Bennett and the remains of the plant fell in a long line and then a huge pile. From the stump it stretched across houses, gardens and streets, finally crushing and burying a car and blocking Parramatta Road.
Colleen was stunned. After a moment she realised Sam Smith was standing next to her. He was handing her the sack.
“See ya later, sheila.” And he walked off.
“Don’t you want your fee?” she asked.
“Don’t worry about it.”
There was something heavy in the sack. She opened it and inside was the big green diamond. She was incredibly surprised and relieved to find that she finally had what she had been seeking for some years. Bennett and the giant were dead. She looked around. Everybody had run off and there was chaos in the surrounding streets.
“Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t attract attention,” she reminded herself as she walked away. As she left the house a man came up to her.
“What happened?” he asked. She smiled at him.
“I don’t really know. I don’t live here. Sorry!” and she walked away down the street.
***
Sam Smith burst into his office. Izzy was sitting listening to the radio and filing her nails with her feet up on the desk. Sam was a sight. He was sweaty and dirty and he was holding his jacket in his arms.
“Water!” he gasped.
Izzy filled a glass from the tap and gave it to him. He poured it all down in one gulp.
“So what’s up with you?” she asked.
Sam sat with a grunt in a chair but said nothing.
“Can we pay the rent? More importantly, can you pay me?”
She noticed that his pockets were bulging. He peeled off a one hundred dollar note and threw it on Izzy’s desk.
“That’s a good start.”
He continued to pull cash out of his pockets, dozens and dozens of hundred dollar notes. Then he reached into his shirt and pulled out some gold coins and added them to the pile. There were more and more coins and notes until he’d built up quite a pile on the desk.
“Phew!” said Izzy.
“And this is for you, sweetie!” He pulled off his shoe and pulled out a shiny gold and diamond necklace. She screwed up her face.
“I think I’ll wash that first.”